Choosing Me Was the Hardest Decision I’ve Ever Made

Living with chronic illness, burnout, and the moment I realized everything had to change

Last week, I came out of a ten-day crash.

For ten days, I could barely get out of bed.

The pain, the migraines, the dizziness, the nausea, but most of all the fatigue. The fatigue is indescribable. Hard to explain to someone who hasn’t lived it.

I would lay in bed just staring at the wall because I didn’t have enough energy to turn on the TV and decide what to watch.

Getting up to use the bathroom or grab a snack was about all I could manage… and that came at a cost. Every time I got up the dizziness and nausea would hit me immediately.

During that crash, it gave me a lot of time to think… about my health, my work, and my life.

The struggles have been more than I let on or how they appeared on the outside. This is the worst my health has ever been. It brought me to the realization that I have not been honest with how scary things have actually become.

I have been lying to myself and the people around me.

Constantly on the edge of crashing.
My body fights against every move I make.
The increased effort it takes to do anything continues to grow each day.

To just get out of bed.
To take a shower.
Driving to appointments.
Even trying to focus.

I feel like I am down more than I am functioning.
No matter what I do or how hard I try.

The fight with myself just to get through the day is a fight I lose many more times than I win.

Physically, mentally, emotionally…
I’m exhausted in every possible way a person can be.
Breakdowns are becoming more frequent.

What’s most devastating is that it’s affecting my ability to be the mother my son deserves. Lately I feel like I’m falling short, and not because I don’t care or I’m not trying.

I simply don’t have anything left to give.

Regardless, the guilt is there, and it doesn’t go away. Being a single full-time parent is hard enough. When you add both of our medical issues as well as trying to keep up with work, his schooling, and his sports – It adds additional stress both physically and emotionally.

I’m doing everything I can to hold things together.
The truth is… I’m barely holding on.

I feel like I’m letting everyone down, no matter how much I push myself, it never feels like enough.

I’ve been holding back medications out of fear of how it will effect my adrenal insufficiency and POTS. I’m afraid that it will cause crashes affecting my ability to work. I’ve missed appointments because I crashed from pushing myself too hard, and from the multiple issues of multiple different illnesses.

I have no energy to even attempt additional recommended appointments. I need to be able to try things that could possibly give me a better quality of life, without being afraid of crashing.

What I’m currently doing is not working, and it’s not sustainable.

I keep thinking and hoping things will turn around.
Telling myself, one of these days I’ll be back to my old self.

I’m finally starting to realize… with the type of illnesses I have, I need to accept that “normal” isn’t something I get to return to.

I have to stop waiting for my old life to come back.

Holding on to the person I was and what I could do, is only keeping me stuck. It’s like a song on loop. The only way it’ll change is to hit the stop button and play a different song.

The best I can do is stabilize my heath.
Learn how to manage multiple illnesses at the same time.
Create a life where I can function.

More importantly…

I need to start making decisions based on my health and not my hopes.

At this moment in my life, I need to do something I’ve never done before.

I need to choose me.

Even if I let people down.
Even if it changes everything.
Even if it means letting go of who I was and starting over.

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